No One Cares About the Homophobic Fat Guy

So Rush Limbaugh, that bloviating cauldron of rancid, fermenting swamp gas, recently wondered aloud whether Democratic party leaders are worried that presidential hopeful Pete Buttigieg – who also happens to be gay – is masculine enough to stand alongside Donald Trump on a debate stage: “They’re sitting there and they’re looking at Mayor Pete — a 37-year-old gay guy, mayor of South Bend, loves to kiss his husband on the debate stage — and they’re saying, ‘Okay. How’s this gonna look, a 37-year-old gay guy kissing his husband on stage next to Mr. Man, Donald Trump? What’s gonna happen there?’ America’s still not ready to elect a gay guy kissing his husband on the debate stage president.”

Oh, Rush. You sweet, simple, stew of liquid six-week-old mushrooms, you giant-sized bag of Dr. Pimple Popper’s medical waste…where in the world would we be without your incisive, up-to-the-minute musings? Thank the lord someone has finally asked this most important of questions: How WILL America feel about Mayor Pete – as opposed to Donald Trump – when they finally see what kind of husband he is?

It’s a good question, and I can only speak for myself, but let me say this: Seeing a man treat his spouse with respect and affection is a real turn-off. Far sexier is a guy who routinely cheats on his spouse – preferably with porn stars, and no condom. Man, that gets me SO hot. It’s also a major buzzkill when a guy stays married to the same person year after year after year – no, MY Mr. Right has been married at least three times (Hello, Donald!) or, ideally, four (which is what makes Rush such a hottie!) So, listen up, Mayor Pete: When you kiss your spouse on the debate stage (and that goes for you, too, Bernie, Joe, Amy, Elizabeth, Deval, Tom, and Michael), you’re not getting my vote. I like my presidential candidates cool and borderline abusive.

But, you know, maybe Rush is really just talking about pure, raw, masculinity. I mean, maybe he’s saying, you can’t be GAY and also MANLY. Although his invective here is directed at the LGBTQ community, let’s pause for a second to consider the misogyny inherent in his statement that one must be perceived as MANLY in order to be a viable presidential candidate. Okay, pause over. Everyone knows Rush has as much use for strong, powerful, independent women as I have for lazy, uneducated, college drop-out, ultra-conservative radio hosts.

And what does it mean to be “manly” anyway? At its most basic, I guess it’s hitting something over the head with a club, dragging it back to a cave and eating it, and yeah, that’s something I can see Donald Trump doing, so long as his bone spurs aren’t bothering him too much and that something is a Big Mac. “Manly” can also be suggestive of a guy who has many sexual conquests – you know – the kind of man who can go all night. As a guy who needs some help in that department (he was once arrested for bringing contraband Viagra into the country without a prescription), maybe Rush is a little sensitive about his own masculinity, so it feels good to imagine someone less “manly” than he, an old fart whose little soldier can’t stand at attention on its own. Hence the comments about Mayor Pete.

But in more modern parlance, “manly” is equally likely to invoke a sense of athleticism and fitness (cue Trump-on-the-golf-course photos), versatility/cultural sophistication (as good with a hammer as he is with a skillet, reads NYT bestsellers and has been to an art museum at least once in his life), and style – which, as anyone who has ever watched either the original “Queer Eye” or its reboot can tell you, are three pillars of gay culture. As between Mayor Pete and Donald Trump, it’s pretty obvious who wins that battle.

Except that no one was even aware of this supposed battle in the first place until Rush Limbaugh brought it up, and even then, no one cares whether or not Mayor Pete is a Manly Man – not even Donald Trump, who makes fun of EVERYONE, even Greta Thunberg, a 16-year-old girl who just wants to make sure that people will be able to live on the Earth a hundred years from now. No, the ONLY person who gives a crap that Pete Buttigieg kisses his spouse in public from time to time is Rush Limbaugh – you know, Rush Limbaugh?

No, not if you’re under the age of 40, you don’t.

And if you’re over the age of 40, you’d pretty much forgotten all about him until his old Palm Beach Pal, Donald, tried to make him relevant again last week by giving him the Presidential Medal of Freedom. I don’t know why he did it; I’m guessing Rush is one of Donald’s biggest fans and regularly promotes his agenda on his radio program, and Donald wanted to do something nice for him because he understands what it’s like to be old and fat and unfuckable.

So there Rush was at the State of the Union, right next to Melania, who was probably thinking, “couldn’t I be on a cruise ship getting coronavirus?” and people were like, “What is that sitting next to the First Lady? It looks like a rabid beaver with rosacea. What it if bites the First Lady? Will she have to get shots in her stomach?”

And Melania was like, “I hope he doesn’t bite me when I put this around his neck,” and Rush was thinking, “I bet she wants to sleep with me now,” and Melania was like, “I wonder what would happen if I hurled myself from this balcony onto the floor of Congress and if so, if I would land in Brett Kavanaugh’s lap, and if so, if that would be worse than this.”

But anyway, there was this thing next to Melania Trump, and no one knew what it was until Trump said his name, and then everyone was like, “He’s still alive?”

Because Rush Limbaugh is irrelevant, and no one cares what he says, and while it’s outrageous that he was given an award previously bestowed upon the likes of Elie Wiesel, Jonas Salk, and Martin Luther King, Jr., Rush is a dinosaur (a tsintaosaurus – look it up – it’ll make you laugh) whose time has come and gone. He says stupid shit that is vile and offensive. He is a horrible human being, and one day in the not too distant future, he will die a nasty, hateful old man who has learned nothing from his battle with drug addiction, with maybe three people and wife number 7 at his funeral.

Also, he’s probably secretly gay and wishes he had a good looking guy like Mayor Pete to kiss him on a debate stage. Here’s hoping you find one, Rush. That’s probably a marriage that would stick.

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