So I’m a pretty liberal, let’s-talk-about-it girl…and I am all about optimal health and wellness…but…I just watched a commercial directed at guys whose erections look funny and bend in the wrong direction.

Whaaaaat???

Okay. Okay. So, bendy weird erections are, apparently, a condition that causes a lot of angst and shpilkes (I have to cop to the cultural appropriation of Yiddish terminology, except it’s such a great and expressive word) and as such merits lots of medical research and lots of big pharma dollars and probably has a Medicare diagnosis code.

Bendy wing-wang erection. That’s a condition that needs fixing.

Because of course it does.

I mean, what better deserves our attention and awareness and medical research funding and hand-wringing than the MAN WITH A BENDY ERECTION???

#certainlynotkidswithcancer

#certainlynotdiabetesorsicklecellanemia

#certainlynotmultiplesclerosis

Oh, the humanity.

I’m gonna need a donut.

Okay.

Not to be a dick here, but, perhaps some perspective? Yeah? Okay.

Once upon a time, many years ago Glamour Magazine (remember Glamour Magazine? No? Well, it was a women’s magazine that was big in the 1980’s, and Kim Alexis was on almost every cover) ran a Q & A column entitled “Your Health,” and sometime back in 1985 a woman wrote in seeking advice because…wait for it…her clitoris was too big.

I know! Too big? Really? Yikes!

I don’t remember how big it was. Maybe it was huge. Maybe it wasn’t. Who knows?

#nojudgment #dontbehatingonthebigclitoris

It had never occurred to me that my clitoris might be “too big.” (For what? For whom? Is that even a thing?)

But, I do recall thinking, “If your clitoris is THAT big, probably you should be talking to a DOCTOR, NOT GLAMOUR MAGAZINE!!!

Oh, science. In the words of Rodney Dangerfield…

Maybe she did. Maybe she went to a doctor and got herself sorted and now she’s happy with her clitoris, which, one hopes, receives lots of attention, to many huzzahs and orgasms.

Or maybe she’s been living every day since with her XXL clitoris, lonely and ashamed for her weird anatomical abnormality. Who can say?

That was, like, 30 years ago. Before we had climate change and identity theft and Donald Trump to worry about.

But.

There’s been a lot of time, over those 30 years or so, for the medical community to consider the plight of those with overly large clitori, and to do something about it.

And so I ask you:

In the last 30 years…

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A COMMERCIAL FOR A PHARMACEUTICAL PRODUCT THAT SEEKS TO TREAT WOMEN WITH OVERLY LARGE CLITORI???

NOOOOOO! YOU HAVEN’T!!!

Maybe because women with large clitori are having great sex, and it’s not an issue.

Maybe it’s because women are now so okay with where and who they are that they never thought to consider whether their clitori were too big (cuz, like, how would you know???)

Or maybe it’s because, even though millions of women went to their doctors screaming, “OMG, MY CLITORIS IS TOO BIG!!!” it never occurred to anyone to ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

#whocaresifwomenarehavinggoodsex

#whocaresaboutwomenshealth

Who knows.

Which brings me back to Mr. Bendy Erection.

That sounds uncomfortable and potentially unsightly. And, guy, I’m sorry.

I really am.

But here’s the thing:

Before I get worried about bendy functioning erections, I’m probably gonna be more interested in working to eradicate:

Breast cancer
Ovarian cancer
Heart Disease
Stroke
MS
Macular Degeneration
Lung cancer
Melanoma
Myeloma

…and many, many more life-threatening diseases.

So if you want to raise awareness and dollars about weird-looking erections (and, Dude? Hate to break it to you, but they look weird even when they aren’t bendy), maybe hold an event at a really great private golf club (Pebble Beach/Oakmont/Bethpage Black)…18 holes followed by steak and potato, wedge salad, and lots of whiskey. There are probably lots of white dudes worried about their weird wing-wangs who would be happy to attend and donate.

Still, I am sorry if your wing-wang don’t schwing-zam the way you’d like.

That probably sucks, Bra.

Thoughts and prayers, guys. Maybe someone will have a telethon on your behalf.

But until we all agree that women’s reproductive healthcare should be directed by women, after consultation with their doctors, and covered by universal health insurance, please forgive me if I’m not worried about a bendy erection, or an erection of any kind.

And that’s all I have to say about that.