Twelve Things I Learned from Pope Benedict XIV (Or, Benny Fourteen Explains it All)

Pope Benedict XIV recently published an essay…/full-text-of-benedict-… in which he attempts to explain the child sex abuse scandal in the Catholic Church. Here’s what he came up with:

1. Teaching kids about sex education in the 1960’s lead to widespread violent porn that led to “mental collapse” which turned everyone into crazy sex perverts and also resulted in pedophilia being considered “allowable and appropriate.” (Hmmm…I must have missed that day in Criminal Law when they talked about how pedophilia is legal and all).

2. Vatican II did away with the concept of good versus bad and said that any assessment of behavior should be based upon “relative value judgments.” (Really?! Geez, most of the priests I ever heard sermonize were pretty clear about what they thought was good and bad, and pretty much EVERYTHING was bad).

3. Pope John Paul II (whom Michael likes to refer to as “J2P2”) tried to reverse that concept by coming out solidly in support of the idea that some shit is just evil, but no one listened, especially in the United States (sorry, Americans!)

4. The Church is the only entity capable of determining what is good and what is evil (sorry, Jews and Muslims!).

5. Since some people just won’t accept that FACT, however, the Church had to keep quiet about STUFF THAT’S EVIL, and this why they didn’t do anything WHEN THEY FOUND OUT THAT THEIR PRIESTS WERE RAPING CHILDREN (thanks for harshing our buzz, all you non-Catholics!)

6. Also, martyrdom is necessary and important. (Think of how all those pedophile priests have helped advance this cause!)

7. Allowing young men who are training to be priests to have regular contact with married couples and families with kids makes it hard for them to be committed to a celibate life and turns them gay. Showing them porn in an effort to desensitize their sexuality also turns them gay. Not letting them read the books Pope Benedict XIV wrote during his career? Also made otherwise heterosexual priests-in-training gay.

8. Pedophilia among the priesthood wasn’t really a problem until the 1980’s. (Note to PBXIV: You might want to read the Pennsylvania AG report, which showed widespread abuse within Commonwealth dioceses dating as far back as the 1930’s – and that’s just ONE state in ONE country. I’ll send you a copy. Trust me – it’s a hoot!)

9. Making sure accused priests were guaranteed some degree of due process under Canon Law made it impossible to convict them of any crimes. (Just like guaranteeing those accused under American law has made it impossible to convict anyone of any crime, which is why our prisons are empty).

10. When people aren’t religious, children get molested (ergo, if everyone were religious, there would be no pedophilia).

11. The only way you can understand the difference between good and evil is if you are a Christian. If you’re not, you have no standards of good or evil, you have no truth, and your life is meaningless. (That may explain why I shoot everyone who doesn’t agree with me, steal whatever I can get my hands on, and am addicted to opioids – oh, wait, not the last bit).

12. Back before World War II, Germany was a good Christian country, but now it isn’t. (Imagine what a non-Christian World War II Germany might have done to the Jewish population?)

So, to summarize:

Germany was a God-fearing, Christian country that enabled their leader to slaughter six million Jews and six million gays, disabled people, Poles, Gypsies, professors, socialists, and other undesirables. Then in the 1960’s, they showed kids porn and said nothing was evil, which turned priests gay, and, necessarily, pedophiles. Also, the United States.

And here I thought it was because the opportunity to exercise ultimate moral authority over those who, for centuries, have been inculcated to be mindless sheep might be especially appealing to someone who wanted ready access to children whose parents would trust them implicitly.

So, in order to stop abuse by the Catholic clergy, all of us have to turn Catholic, and do whatever the priests tell us.

That seems reasonable.

Thank you, Pope Benedict XIV. We are forever in your debt.

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