Thursday Night in Montana

July 6, 2018

Our president took to the campaign stage on Thursday evening hoping to deflect attention from the very public resignation of embattled EPA Department Secretary Scott Pruitt, and he did so in his usual ultra-classy fashion: By calling people names and giving Vladimir Putin a virtual blow job. Also, Russia and North Korea are honorable, long-time allies, while Canada and France and Germany and the UK are security threats who present a clear and present danger to our way of life. Who knew?

After criticizing everyone from John McCain to George H.W. Bush (apparently, Trump is the ONLY person in the United States that didn’t understand the “Thousand Points of Light” speech that 41 made, oh, I don’t know, like, thirty years ago), Trump turned his ire to Elizabeth Warren, insisting that she take a DNA test to prove that she actually has Native American blood. (Note to Trump: How ’bout YOU take a DNA test to prove you’re not a used condom filled with ass sweat and toe cheese?)

So here’s what he said:

“We will take that little kit and say, but we have to do it gently. Because we’re in the ‘#MeToo‘ generation so I have to be very gentle. And we will very gently take that kit and we will slowly toss it, hoping it doesn’t hit her and injure her arm even though it only weighs probably two ounces. And we will say, I will give you a million dollars to your favorite charity, paid for by Trump, if you take the test so that it shows you’re an Indian.”

This quote is so offensive, disturbing, so disgusting, and so creepy, I am not sure where to begin, but I’ll try.

First, anyone who has been alive since the 1980’s understands that the indigenous peoples of the North American Continent prefer to be called “Native Americans,” not “Indians.” Not quite as bad as using the “N” word, but pretty insensitive nonetheless. The only reason anyone ever called them “Indians” in the first place is because Columbus got lost but was too stupid to understand that he hadn’t actually made it all the way around the world to the country of….India. Maybe when they taught that at the military academy Trump’s father sent him to (because he couldn’t stand him), Trump was out getting treated for bone spurs.

Second, we all know that Donald Trump hasn’t given a single dollar to charity since 2008, even though he’s made plenty of promises to plenty of people that he would – click on the links below to get a sense of just how frequently Trump makes the big gesture but then fails to follow through. Why would anyone do anything in reliance on Trump keeping a promise (other than those who voted for Trump believing that by doing so, they would become instant millionaires, living in a gold-plated penthouse with a supermodel wife – and hey, why aren’t they more pissed?)

Third, he tells the crowd what they should do to Elizabeth Warren – and damned if it didn’t sound like a bunch of lacrosse-playing frat boys talk about the gang rape they’re planning for the evening. I don’t know that I’ve heard anything creepier outside of “Silence of the Lambs.” Apparently, all Trump has learned about the #metoo movement is that if you say you’re going to do it “gently,” they may not realize their being raped and won’t scream for help (sounds like the way a pedophile talks as he unzips his pants). That, and, if you do it “gently,” it doesn’t count.

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